Humble on Purpose: A Practice for Better Decisions

What if the strongest person in the room is the one willing to say, “I don’t know yet - what am I missing?” 

In this episode, we practice exactly that.

In this week's episode, Erin and Jessica discuss intellectual humility - the willingness to recognize that what you think might be wrong, and to make real space for other people to be right. 

Together, they explore how this shows up in everyday collaboration, from project meetings to tough decisions, and why it matters so much for psychological safety and trust at work.

LinkedIn Practice:

The “I might be wrong” Week:

For the next 7 days, pick one conversation—at work or in your community—where you intentionally practice intellectual humility:

Notice what you’re assuming and how sure you really are.

• Name it out loud with a phrase like, “Here’s my take, and I might be wrong.”
• Invite another perspective by asking, “What am I missing?”

Links and resources from this episode:

• Take the free VIA Character Strengths Survey: www.viacharacter.org
• Join our LinkedIn group: https://www.linkedin.com/groups/12879756/ 
• Send us a message: practicingconnection@oneop.org 

Transcript

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: [00:00:00] Hi, and welcome to the Practicing Connection Podcast. I'm Erin. Today we'll be talking about a deceptively simple skill that can change how teams and groups of collaborators think, decide, and disagree: intellectual humility. Jessica will be sharing a practice to help us build humility in a bit.

Hi Jessica. I'm excited to dig into this topic.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Hi, yeah, I mean, who doesn't want to be thought of as a humble person, right?

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Okay. I feel like our Midwestern is showing a little bit.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Oh boy!

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Oh golly! All right.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Well, you'll notice I didn't say, “Midwest nice,” or anything like that. I mean, humility is a real strength, and it's a real thing that people think about. 

But I want to be really clear. It's not about putting yourself down or pretending [00:01:00] that you don't know things that you actually do know. It's more about recognizing that you might be wrong, and creating space for other people to be right.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Hmm. Yeah, I like that distinction. The phrase, ‘I might be wrong’ is not a sentence I feel ever encouraged or rewarded for saying at work. But I'm really intrigued. 

So let's get into it. What do you mean? Tell us more about intellectual humility.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Let's start with a working definition. From what I've found, researchers are defining ‘intellectual humility’ I would say most simply as, ‘The degree to which people recognize that what they think might be wrong, or what they're thinking might be wrong.’ 

It's awareness that your knowledge is partial. Your opinions are fallible and the evidence that you're relying on might be incomplete.

So this is actually different from humility [00:02:00] in general. Sort of the, I guess maybe we might say ‘capital H Humility,’ right. The capital H humility can be about your abilities, your status, and many, many other things. Intellectual humility though is more specifically about your thinking, so your ideas, your judgments, your assumptions,

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: And I would imagine that intellectually humble people aren't necessarily wishy-washy about what they think. Can you tell us more about that, like, can you still have strong beliefs, and is it like you have a strong belief and you hold it lightly enough to say, “I might be wrong and I'm open to new evidence?”

Or is it, or is it something else?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: No, I mean, it's pretty much exactly that, and you can even hear it in the way people who exhibit, you know, intellectual humility in the way that they talk, they might say things like, “Here's how it looks to me right now,” right? That kind of leaves the door [00:03:00] open to, how does it look to you?

“So here's how it looks to me right now.” Or they might say something like, “I'm about 70% confident in this, or 80% confident. Or they might even just ask everyone at the table, “What am I missing?” 

And underneath this language is often a set of habits. Things like checking your assumptions, intentionally seeking disconfirming information and being willing to revise your view when the evidence really calls for it.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Okay, so it's not about being indecisive or being a flip-flopper, it's about being honest about how sure you actually are and keeping the door, like the door cracked for new information. 

And being willing to be data driven. Like when you get new data, you adapt it into what you're thinking. Oh, that's so interesting.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah. And actually that's a really great way to put it. You can still take a stand, but you're [00:04:00] not treating your current view as the final word on all reality.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yes, I love this. We need to stop assuming that we can give the final word on reality. That is such a great turn of phrase. Thank you for sharing that, Jessica.

So you mentioned character strengths earlier. I'm assuming that this is a VIA Character Strength, because I know you love them and you talk about them frequently, which is good. I'm excited. They're newer to me. So it's fun to get all of this stuff from you. 

Where does humility work in the VIA Framework to Connect? How does it connect with what you're describing?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, I mean, I have to be honest with everyone. I prompted Erin to ask me about VIA Character Strengths. If you've taken the VIA Strength Survey, humility is one of the 24 character strengths. 

And with the humility character strength, it's actually about having a realistic view of your strengths and weaknesses, and it's about things like not needing to [00:05:00] be in the spotlight all the time and letting your work speak for itself.

VIA places humility in the broader virtue category of temperance. So temperance is things that help you keep your ego and your impulses in check, so that you can respond more thoughtfully instead of reactively.

But intellectual humility is one way that strength shows up in how we think and decide. So when you say, “I could be wrong here and I want to hear what I might be missing,” you're basically putting the character strength of humility into action in your reasoning.

So again, intellectual humility really focuses on one way that humility can be practiced. And this is about the way we think about our reasoning. But the overall character strength of humility is, you know, it's kind of broader than that.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Okay, so if someone listening has taken the VIA Strengths Assessment and saw humility on their [00:06:00] profile, intellectual humility is just a specific everyday way that humility more broadly shows up in meetings and collaborations.

It's not the entirety of the strength of humility.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Right, but I wanted to bring it up because there's so much research behind it, and we know that. And so, if you haven't taken the assessment, there is a free version of the survey online. We'll put the link to it in the show notes. 

It can be really helpful way to notice whether humility is a strength you have that you can lean into easily, or whether it might be something that you'll need to be a little bit more intentional about building.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Okay. Well that's exciting. Let's pivot the conversation a little bit into collaborative work. What happens in a team, or with a group of collaborators, when there's not a lot of intellectual humility?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Usually you'll see people digging in as one clue. And I've been guilty of this myself. Disagreements might turn [00:07:00] into, you know, “I'm right, you're wrong.”

Not that anyone actually says those words exactly, but you might also notice people talking past each other, or some people will stop sharing information that doesn't fit the view that seems to be on top in the moment, right? So if there's a view that's on top, the ideas just kind of end up getting stymied. Additional ideas and additional perspectives. 

And conflict will become about defending your position, instead of solving a shared problem. And that's what, most of the time when a team's coming together or when collaborators are coming together, they came together because there was a shared problem to solve.

And so it ends up not being about the problem, but instead being about you, basically, or being about, you know, each individual person trying to defend their position.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yeah, I've definitely seen the instance where everyone will come to a meeting, like they've almost already written a script in their head about what they're going to say and what the other person's going to say, and [00:08:00] then nobody actually listens or changes their mind, or compromises.

And the absolute worst is when they're saying the same thing a different way, and they don't realize that they're saying the same thing. And then there's like this big fight, and it falls apart, because you can't even hear what the other person is saying because you're so determined to be right and to win.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: There was a person I used to work with where we had this problem where we would get into, I wouldn't call any of them like real strong arguments or anything, we were friendly with each other, but we would get into these sort of like back and forth volleys. 

And after a while we realized, and we would crack up about it, “Wait, we're saying the same thing. We're just saying it in different ways.” Like, we are in total agreement here. 

And we realized that it was a pattern we had. And so if we started to have a volley, then later on we would stop ourselves. Once we realized that this was a pattern, we'd stop ourselves and we would start laughing and say, “Is this one of those [00:09:00] times where we're basically saying the same thing, but in different ways?” So, I mean, that's definitely a thing that happens.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Sure. Well, can you tell me more? What does it look like when there is some more intellectual humility in a group setting, what does that look like?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Well, we almost see the opposite, right? So people are more willing to admit uncertainty and even come out and say, “I'm not sure, I'm not a hundred percent sure on this.”

They're more curious about why someone sees it differently. Like, “Oh, that's interesting. Can you tell me more about why you see it that way? What's behind that?” And they're more likely to bring in better evidence. 

So more intellectual humility in a group or collaborative effort tends to improve the quality of decisions, and also the quality of relationships within the group, because people are actually seeing each other instead of talking past each other, and choosing positions and sticking with their positions.[00:10:00]

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Mm-hmm. So what does this look like for a leader? Often leaders have this kind of pressure to project certainly, or have executive presence, or kind of have a commanding presence in a room. Like how does that interact with intellectual humility?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, I think that a leader that can exhibit intellectual humility sends really strong signals.

So when they say, “Here's my current thinking, but I want to test it with you.” Or, “Hey guys, I got this wrong last time and here's how I'm adjusting.”

You know, people feel safer to speak up, to disagree and to share information that might be uncomfortable. And there's even research showing that this kind of humble leadership is linked with people feeling more engaged and able to thrive at work.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Oh, that's interesting. So a leader that exhibits intellectual humility is showing that the way they think [00:11:00] is open, and they're willing to revise it, and therefore people actually participate in conversations.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, they can still make the call. Ultimately, they make that decision, but they're not pretending to be infallible along the way.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yeah. Okay. I like that. That's exciting.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: By the way, them not pretending to be infallible, that's what invites people in to share more perspectives and to give them more information to make that better decision. 

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: That's an important detail. So before we started recording, you mentioned that there's kind of a dark side, or at least a cost to humility. Can you tell me more about that here?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, so when we ask people to be intellectually humble, we're asking them to open up to the idea that they might be wrong about things that really matter to them. So that can be really unsettling. 

It can create anxiety, especially around things that hold deep [00:12:00] meaning for us, like our values, or those big purpose kinds of questions. Those existential questions that we might have. 

And in some contexts, like with major values, more humility can actually come with less certainty. And it gives us this feeling of lost stability, like the ground's starting to shake a little bit on us. This is not just like a feel good skill. It can actually be kind of emotionally taxing or demanding.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: That makes sense. Yeah, I can see that, especially if something you're thinking of as kind of a foundational thing is, “Oh, I'm a person who knows how to do this, or we do it the right way.” I have done that one and it has not been good.

Or, “Our team does it the right way.” Questioning that feels really risky, especially if you have really deep values about quality, like the quality of your work is super important to you. Being open to the idea that maybe the quality of your work [00:13:00] isn't good, could be - oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, that does feel risky.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Well, that's why I like to think of building intellectual humility as also building your tolerance for uncertainty. The two kind of work well together, right? You're strengthening your ability to stay grounded and curious. Even when your ego would really like you to slam the door and say, “Nope, I'm right.”

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yeah. All right. I love this. Let's get into it. What's the practice you brought? Walk us through it. How can we start building our intellectual humility?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Well, I want to start out by saying just like any practice we share, this is just one of many ways. I think even if you just worked on building humility in general, it doesn't have to be specific to intellectual humility, you are well on your way to building intellectual humility as well. 

So the practice I'm going to share is, you can do this on your own at first, and if you like, you [00:14:00] can bring it into conversations with your team or collaborators when you're ready. 

If you're going to do this on your own, you would start by bringing to mind a real work situation. So a decision that you're making or you're grappling with, a disagreement that you might be in, or maybe a project where you feel pretty strongly about the right approach, or I would say the quote unquote “right” approach. 

So once you have a real work situation in mind, you would start by admitting and noticing that you might not have all the information, and I think almost across the board for almost everything, there's some element here that we could probably admit and notice that we may not have all of the information.

So you might ask yourself, “What am I assuming here?” And, “How sure am I really?” I would even recommend that you give yourself a number, so for example, “I'm 80% sure about this.” That [00:15:00] helps get you into a mindset that you're not absolutely certain. It starts out setting you up for success, when it comes to building your intellectual humility.

Even if you said 95% - “I'm 95% sure I'm right about this.” 99%, that's not one hundred percent. That's still setting you up for success by pointing out to yourself that you are not 100% absolutely certain. 

So then you're going to identify two or three limits of your knowledge in that situation. For example, you know, “I haven't talked directly with the people most affected by this, so I'm missing some information there.”

“The data I have,” - and this comes up quite a bit with like the American Community Survey data because it's only updated every so many years - “We're using old data,” is one piece. And then, maybe, “I don't fully understand all the technical constraints.” You're not judging yourself for having limits, you're just getting accurate [00:16:00] about what those limits are in your knowledge.

The second step is to practice admitting first to yourself and then when appropriate out loud that you might be wrong or that you don't know. So for example, if you're a team member or a collaborator, you might say, “Here's my take, and I'm open to being wrong.” You can literally say, “I'm open to being wrong.”

Or you might say, “I feel really strongly about this, but I know that I'm only seeing part of the picture from my perspective.” If you're a leader, you might say, “I'm leaning in this direction, but I'm not a hundred percent sure. I wanted to test this with you all.” Or you might say, “Looking back, I missed something last time. I'm adjusting based on what I learned,” the act of naming it. 

It changes the temperature in the room a little bit. It tells your own nervous system that, “I don't have to be perfect,” right? Perfectionist, unite or don't unite. Know that you do [00:17:00] not have to be perfect, and then it tells others that it's safe to bring in their perspective.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yeah. Wow. Okay. That was a lot.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yes.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: But I like it 'cause it was a good lot. Yeah, I'm just thinking too about times where I've been in groups where people have said that kind of stuff where they said, “I'm open to being wrong,” or, “Here's my part that I can see. What am I missing?” And I remember that being such a wonderful invitation into sharing. 

And it was very much a moment where I would pause and think, “Oh, they actually care about what I have to say here.” So I can see that being really powerful. Bringing that kind of energy into a space.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, it really is. And I think, you know, if “I'm open to being wrong” doesn't sound like you, you can find a phrase that does. I often say, “I'm just putting this out there and let's discuss it,” like, “I'm not married to [00:18:00] this. I'm happy to hear and I want to hear what you guys think.” 

So the third step is to invite other perspectives. Intellectual humility isn't just internal. It shows up in how you go looking for other perspectives as well. So with others who are part of your situation, you might ask, “What's a reasonable argument against my view? What are you seeing that I might be missing?” 

I really like this next one: “If this plan fails, what will we wish we had surfaced in our discussion today?” I really love that question because I think sometimes when it seems like the ideas have come out of the gate and they're well on their way, I think people are like, “I don't need to share this concern. We're already going down the path.” 

But asking a question like this, “If this plan fails, what will we wish we had surfaced in our discussion today?” really invites anyone who's feeling a little bit off, [00:19:00] who maybe has a different perspective or has different information that they could share, really invites that in. 

And I think it's particularly hard when people are really coalescing and excited about an idea. And there's a person who is like, “Oh man, I always feel like I'm the naysayer. I always feel like I'm throwing a wrench in things.” But honestly, I always like to tell people, a lot of times those folks are just trying to make it the best it can possibly be. You want to invite their thoughts and their concerns. 

And so a question like this does that, and I don't want to get too complex here, but you could also normalize asking those who may be in a meeting that seem to be skeptical, “What would change your mind before making a final decision?” And the reason I said I don't want to get too complex here is because it's not too complex to add a question to the end of your discussion before making a decision that would change your mind. 

But a lot of times I've seen this done where a group kind of employs a little bit of a voting [00:20:00] system. The idea that I wrote down here in our notes is “Fist to Five,” which is: holding up a fist means, “I absolutely am not interested in going down the path of this decision.” And then a five is like super enthusiastic, “At all costs, I want us to go down that path.” And then, you know, there's 1, 2, 3, 4. 

If someone's a fist and they absolutely do not like this idea. I think that's where the question of, “What would change your mind?" becomes really powerful. It invites them to share what they're most concerned about with this. And it gives you potentially some time to respond to that and find some common ground.

So like I said, I don't want to make it complex and I just made it more complex. 

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: You did. But that's okay. It was a helpful example, and I think what I'm really hearing from you discussing this is that step three is really about making sure you're not just paying lip [00:21:00] service to the idea, but actually being open and actually inviting people into poking holes into your ideas, your precious babies, your ideas that are perfect and wonderful.

You want people to actually take you serious about giving you feedback.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: And I love that.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: I mean, that's where the growth happens, and it can feel really uncomfortable, which is why I also suggest that you get to know how you feel when you're saying things like, “I might be wrong,” or how you feel when you ask others for their view on an idea you just shared.

So, however you feel, you know, whether that's anxious or annoyed or relieved, you don't have to fix that. Just be really aware of it, and just know that those feelings will be happening when you are asking these questions of others. Allow yourself to accept that, so that you can remain open.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: Yeah, it makes sense. This is a [00:22:00] pretty brave, courageous thing to do. We talk about vulnerability a lot, but I think actually choosing to say, “Hey, tell me what I'm wrong about,” is a very exciting thing for someone to do. Like to see somebody do I imagine it is hard and, and you've kind of talked about that, but it makes sense.

You might have all these feelings and your body's just telling you like, “Hey, this is riskier than some of the things you've done before.” 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, but that doesn't mean resist doing it.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: It doesn't mean you're doing a bad thing. It just means it's different, right. We're going to talk about that more on another episode, or else this is going to get too long.

But I'm really excited to apply it in my life. And thank you.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: You're so welcome. And it was my pleasure as always.

ERIN CARLSON RIVERA: All right. That's it for this episode. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend or a colleague. In the meantime, we'll be back with another episode. Until then, keep practicing.

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CREDITS: The Practicing Connection Podcast is a production of One-Op and is supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, US Department of Agriculture and the Office of Military Family Readiness Policy, US Department of Defense under award number 2 0 2 3 4 8 7 74 3 3.