7 Small Practices for Better Conversations

In this episode of Practicing Connection, Coral and Jessica explore empathetic listening: what it is, why it matters, and how a few simple shifts in how you listen can deepen your relationships and improve how you work with others.

This practicast explores empathetic listening as a practical communication skill. We compare empathetic listening with familiar active listening techniques, share personal experiences of when basic reflection felt flat or even patronizing, and then walk through a concrete, seven-step process you can try in everyday conversations. 

Drawing on communication research and Jessica’s own practice, the episode highlights how noticing emotions, staying present, and checking your understanding can reduce misunderstandings and support stronger, more collaborative relationships at work and at home.

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Transcript

CORAL OWEN: [00:00:00] Actively listening with empathy can help us build emotionally supportive environments, nurture authentic relationships, and enhance collaboration and teamwork. 

Hey everyone, welcome to this week's Practicing Connection practicast. I'm Coral. Today we're sharing the practice of empathetic listening, which is an approach that builds deeper connections by bringing empathy to our conversations. My co-host, Jessica, is going to walk us through a small collection of practices here in a bit. 

First, let's talk about what makes empathetic listening unique. So, Jess, over the years, we've come across a lot of different listening practices. What makes empathetic listening stand out from other ones?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, I'm gonna answer that by talking about a different way of listening: active listening, which is I think what we hear about the most. That's the skill that most people are familiar with. Active listening means doing the work to really listen to someone's words and checking with them that you understood the words often by paraphrasing or summarizing what they've just said.[00:01:00]

But for me, active listening sometimes felt a little bit limited. I've been on the receiving end, and I think most of us have, and sometimes it actually even felt a little bit patronizing. Like the person was just repeating my words, but not really connecting to me or connecting to how I felt. I sometimes didn't actually even feel heard. 

So that's actually what first drew me to the idea of empathetic listening when I first learned about it. If active listening is about repeating content and understanding the words, empathetic listening is about reflecting the feelings underneath those words. So really seeking to understand someone's inner world.

For example, active listening often sounds like, “What I hear you saying is…,” and then there's a bit of a rephrasing of the person's words. And empathetic listening could begin with, “It sounds like that was frustrating,” or, “You sound really excited about that.”

 [00:02:00] So, one way I've seen it framed is that empathetic listening asks us to listen with our heart and mind, not just our ears and eyes. It's a step beyond listening to a reply. Empathetic listening really is about listening to truly understand. 

And I really want to make a note here that I'm not saying that active listening is not good, and that empathetic listening is always superior. I've really come to actually appreciate active listening as a kind of almost beginner skill that leads toward these deeper levels of listening. So, you know, even if it's basic, it shows you're committed to hearing someone.

CORAL OWEN: Yeah, that really rings true for me too. Like sometimes just restating the words, it doesn't quite go far enough. Especially if we're dealing with really strong feelings. And I think the next question is, what exactly is empathy? We talk about it a lot, but let's just maybe get a common ground understanding of what that actually means.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, that's a really good question. I've seen empathy [00:03:00] described as a skill, a choice, and even a quality. But the good news is that anyone can show and practice empathy. So it doesn't have to be a quality that you naturally possess or anything like that, but for some people it might come a little bit more naturally to exhibit empathy.

And for others it might take just a little bit more intention. Whether you're somebody where it feels like it comes a little bit more naturally, or whether it takes a little more intention and attention, that's perfectly fine. 

In communication research, empathy is usually broken into two types: Affective empathy, which is the feelings that we experience in response to another person's emotions, and Cognitive empathy, which is the ability to recognize and understand another person's emotions. 

And empathy is really powerful. Research shows that groups who practice empathy are more supportive, they communicate better, and they're able to work through challenges more effectively.

And interestingly, empathy is also contagious. [00:04:00] If it's encouraged in a group or if it's displayed in a group, more of the others on the team will display it. I actually didn't know this, which is kind of funny because I teach on emotional intelligence, I really only learned about this when preparing for this episode.

But it really does make sense because in emotional intelligence, we talk about emotional resonance and how our emotions can catch on with those around us. So if we're all showing a little empathy, it makes sense that it would grow.

CORAL OWEN: I didn't know that either, so that's really fascinating. But it really does make sense. And, okay, so my next question is, what are the benefits if we put empathetic listening into practice?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah. That's a great question because empathetic listening is about demonstrating a real willingness to understand. One of the biggest benefits is that it helps us bridge misunderstandings and work through conflicts. It also deepens relationships. 

Think about the [00:05:00] experience of someone really getting you. They check in to confirm if they're understanding your feelings, not just your words. If someone was doing that, if someone was checking in to confirm if they're understanding the emotion behind the words, wouldn't you be more likely to open up or maybe ask about their experience as well?

So they're really seeing you. You might be more likely to say, “Well, tell me about, have you ever experienced this in workplaces?” 

So let's get down to, you know, what we're really here to talk about, right, in workplaces. Empathetic listening creates conditions where teams can work together more smoothly and communicate openly, because people know their perspectives are genuinely going to be considered.

An important part of this too is that as humans, we often come into conversations with our own agendas or emotions. We want to be heard, we want to offer advice, we want to connect. And empathetic listening helps us pause those [00:06:00] impulses and just be in the conversation, focusing fully on the other person or people, and the connection between us.

CORAL OWEN: That's a really, really helpful way to look at it. So now that we've unpacked all of that, could you walk us through how empathetic listening actually works, step by step?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, of course. So you could think of this as a process or a collection of many practices. Any of these could be practiced on their own or in some sort of succession. So I'll give you kind of the order that I think they build on each other. But again, each one of these could be practiced just on their own.

So start by reflecting on your patterns, right? You might even be able to reflect on this as I'm speaking right now: notice how you usually listen. Are you eager to jump in, share your story or offer solutions right away? Or do you find yourself getting distracted? Or tuning out until something feels [00:07:00] more personally relevant to you?

How you listen or how you can tap into knowing how you listen. Think about that. Then ask yourself about your needs or your fears. Is the reason you engage in the listening patterns that you engage in, because you're listening to fix, connect or guide the conversation, do you have concerns about not being heard, or do you have concerns about being judged? And maybe that's why you have the patterns of communication that you have. 

The third thing is to adopt a learning mindset. This is really about remembering that everyone that you talk to is the expert in their own life, right?

So when someone shares a story about themselves with you, treat that as a gift and accept it as their true experience. Your job is not to question whether what they're telling you is right or not. Your job is to get curious about what they're telling you.

Okay. Fourth thing is to practice presence. [00:08:00] And this is about paying attention in the moment by putting away devices, gently bringing your focus back to the speaker. It is really natural. I want to be clear about this. It's natural for our mind to wander, but keep returning to the person that you're in the conversation with or the people that you're in the conversation with.

And the fifth thing is listen for more than words. Notice body language. Notice energy shifts, facial expressions or changes in tone. These give clues to the feelings that are beneath the surface, so that you can comment, and notice them. And then the sixth thing is to get curious, what might be driving their words, which values, which concerns or experiences might be at play.

“It sounds like you were very excited about that,” or, ‘Wow, I'm really hearing that you value your family a lot.” So being able to notice those things is really powerful, [00:09:00] and then ask questions that invite them to share more. “Can you tell me more about that?” “Wow, it sounds like you really valued your family in that moment.” “Can you tell me more about why you did what you did?” 

You know, those kinds of examples really illustrate that ‘getting curious’ piece and lastly, reflect back those feelings. So say things like, “It sounds like that was really overwhelming. Did I get that right? Was that overwhelming for you?”

If they clarify, “Actually, I was more anxious than frustrated or overwhelmed,” well, that's helpful. So be curious about that new feeling, you know, and have them tell you a little more about that. 

So, I know it was seven mini practices and we sometimes don't do a roundup of practices because it's a lot to take in, but again, any of those seven can be practiced as an individual practice. So if you just start with reflecting back feelings and trying that out, that is enough, right? You don't have to do all the other things. 

Or [00:10:00] if you just start with trying to get curious about your own patterns of communication and why you react that way, that's enough too. You don't have to practice any of the others. So, I welcome you to try out one or all of these. When you practice these steps, even just one or two at a time, you'll notice the quality of your conversation start to shift.

CORAL OWEN: I love all of those, and I love that they can be sort of an à la carte approach, Jess. But also you can use them sort of as a framework, and, you know, build that momentum, and tend the different aspects throughout. And truly, like even just one step, such as checking for understanding of someone else's feelings, that can by itself make such a big difference.

And I love what you said about treating someone's story as a gift. That's such a nice idea and practice too.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah. And I just wanna be clear too, as you practice, just like with all of the practices that we give on this podcast, these steps become more natural and can [00:11:00] even start to happen in the space of a few seconds, some of them. 

So even if it feels strange at first to check in about someone's emotions, most people really appreciate the effort and the care.

CORAL OWEN: I would say that rings true in my experience. So thanks Jess. Always appreciate the practices that you bring. And this one, as always, was wonderful. Thanks so much for walking us through empathetic listening. 

And for everyone listening, give even one of these ideas a try in your next conversation and see what happens.

And if you like, share your experience with us in the Practicing Connection LinkedIn group, where we explore skills that help us build healthier teams and communities. 

We'll be back next week with another wonderful episode and until then, keep practicing.

CREDITS: The Practicing Connection Podcast is a production of One-Op and is supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, US Department of Agriculture and the Office of Military Family Readiness Policy, US Department of Defense under award number 2 0 2 3 4 8 7 74 3 3.