Reliability in Action: Why Clear Requests Matter

Have you ever felt let down by someone who didn’t follow through - or realized you misunderstood what was asked of you? 

This episode reveals why reliability starts with clear requests, and how a few mindful tweaks to your communication can build trust and prevent frustration.

In this episode of Practicing Connection, Coral and Jessica explore the crucial link between trust and reliability, inspired by Charles Feltman’s The Thin Book of Trust. Jessica introduces the practice “Clear Requests are Kind Requests,” highlighting how our assumptions and unclear communication can undermine reliability - even with the best intentions.

You’ll learn the difference between direct, indirect, and really indirect requests, and why being clear is an act of kindness for everyone involved. Jessica shares practical steps for both noticing and making clearer requests, including key questions to ask and simple phrases to use. 

Whether you’re a leader, a team member, or just tired of miscommunication, this episode will help you strengthen trust by making reliability a shared, achievable goal.

Links and resources from this episode:

The Thin Book of Trust (Third edition), by Charles Feltman

Transcript

CORAL OWEN: [00:00:00] Hi there. Thanks for listening to the Practicing Connection Podcast. I'm Coral, my cohost, Jessica is here today as well. We're going to be talking about trust and reliability, and Jessica's going to be sharing a practice with us today. Jessica, how are you? 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Hey, Coral. I'm doing pretty well. I've been doing a lot of thinking about thinking lately, which has been really interesting and really challenging.

Also, I'm participating in a systems thinking group, and it's kind of funny, but one of my recent realizations is that I always emphasized the systems part of systems thinking, but the thinking part is absolutely crucial. It's really funny, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit that this super simple concept is one of my big realizations. But there it is. I'm an average student. [00:01:00]

CORAL OWEN: No, it's so funny, and I'm trying to think of, you know, a particular scenario, but I've had similar realizations in the past, and it's sometimes those things just hit you square in the forehead and it, you're like, “Oh my gosh, how did I not realize that sooner?” 

But yeah, seriously. Sometimes the most simple realizations are the most profound and you're going, ha. But it, you know, it's funny, like when you have that brain, that like seismic shift, it can completely change how you interface and interact with a topic or you know, a conversation that you're having, even if it's just you're like, “Oh, it was there all along. 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yes, exactly. I mean, for me it's often been finally understanding song lyrics or something like that. Not usually something like this, but maybe, I bet I could come up with other examples if I really thought about it. Examples that are not song lyrics. I am very infamous in my household for getting song lyrics wrong because I just don't care enough to know [00:02:00] all of the words and I just make up the words sometimes. So arguably more fun at family get together.

CORAL OWEN: Yeah, exactly. All righty, well, today I'm really excited to dig into the second dimension of trust. And Jessica, you're gonna be leading us through a practice about trust and reliability. But before we dig into that, could you share a little bit just about the practice in general and why you chose this practice specifically?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, and I'll just quick mention that if anyone's, you know, listening to this episode kind of randomly, I would recommend going back to our episode that we did a couple episodes back with Charles and Ina to listen to that. It's a great primer into trust. 

So yes, the practice I chose for today is going to focus on reliability. And again, it's from Charles Feltman's book, the Thin Book of Trust, and I'm calling it “Clear Requests are Kind Requests,” because he didn't have a name for it. And that title kind of borrows from Brene Brown's often [00:03:00] used phrase, “Clear is kind.” 

Our assessment of reliability is really interesting because it seems simple on the surface, right?

From our point of view, someone committed to do something and they either did it or they did not follow through. Or maybe we committed to doing something and we either did or did not follow through. 

But it actually isn't that simple. So many times we are asking each other to kind of be mind readers, which is why it's really important to craft our requests as clearly as we are absolutely possibly able to.

And as someone who might be receiving a request, it's important to be as clear as possible about what we're being asked to do. Don't agree to make a request or don't make any offers about what someone is saying to you until the expectations have been clearly defined. People pleasers, I'm talking to you! And I'm also speaking as one of [00:04:00] you.

I have been so eager to help somebody before they're describing something to me. I think I totally understand exactly what they're asking and I'm like, “I'll do that. I'll do the thing you're asking,” before I fully understand all of the details and the deadline and, and all of that. 

So like sometimes in the moment it can feel like we fully understand what needs to be done, but your expectation of what you're being asked to do might not match the expectations of the person making the request.

So we go about getting things done from our understanding of it alone. And we go about making requests from our understanding of the request without checking in that we're all on the same page. So clear requests are kind because they align everyone involved. I go into more detail on this when I share the practice.

But in the Thin Book of Trust, Charles Felman discusses three types of requests: direct requests, which he says tend to work the best. These [00:05:00] requests use clear language and provide necessary details like who is this request for? 

So basically, who is making the request, who's the audience for the request? What actions are being requested? What constitutes satisfactory completion of the request? What are the deadlines and is there any context that needs to be provided in order to help the person get the job done? 

And then there are indirect requests. These requests are less clear, but they get used often because the language feels a little less harsh to some people.

I'm guilty of making indirect requests quite a bit. The requester might actually even use passive language, like this task needs to be done. But they don't say who should do it. They're not asking you to do it. They're not asking anyone to do it at all. They're just saying this needs to be done and they're hoping someone will make an offer.

And then there are really indirect requests. These requests don't sound like requests at all. [00:06:00] So something like this, “The sink is always a mess.” Just sounds like statement, right? So what's the request behind that statement? “Clean up after your meetings, clean up after yourself.” Would you please clean up after yourself, however polite you wanna make it.

So those are like the three different types of requests, and I think that the really indirect requests, especially, underline why clear requests are needed.

CORAL OWEN: I love that, and breaking it down into those three buckets is really helpful to understand perhaps what a better starting point would be. But I think maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Jessica, would you like to walk us through your clear requests or kind requests practice and how we can go about really getting more clear?

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, absolutely. So clear requests, or kind requests, are a little difficult to say if you try to say it, but it is [00:07:00] an activity that involves both mindful attention and direct practice.

So we'll start with the mindful attention. Start by just noticing the types of requests people make of you or others in your office, or frankly, you can watch TV and notice the types of requests people are making of each other on a show that you watch. Label them in your mind as direct, indirect, or really indirect.

Then reflect on how you could rephrase the request to make it more clear. Or you might reflect on what questions you might ask to draw out a more clear request. So remember, you might be reflecting from the point of view of the person making the request of someone, or you might be reflecting on this from the point of view of someone who has heard a request and is trying to fully understand it.

So the kinds of questions you might reflect on would be, you know, who is this request for? When is it due? What specific actions are being [00:08:00] requested? How will I know if I've satisfactorily completed the request? And is there any additional context that would be helpful? So, the mindful attention is just labeling and reflecting.

The direct practice then is practicing making clear requests. If it helps, you can write it out. To start, just choose a few direct request starter phrases for you to use so that if you're in the moment and you need to ask somebody something, you've got a good starter phrase to start with. Like, “Will you clean the sink,” or “Will you please clean the sink?”

My favorite is actually, “Are you willing to clean the sink?” But I think that might just barely fall into the indirect category. So it works for me, but it may not work for everyone if you're trying to be even more direct.

CORAL OWEN: Simple, straightforward, to the point. I love it. Well, thanks so much for guiding us through that Jessica.

I appreciate it. 

JESSICA BECKENDORF:Yeah, you are welcome. 

CORAL OWEN: Alright, well that's [00:09:00] it for this episode. Thank you all so much for joining us. If you enjoyed this episode or found it useful, please click the share button at the bottom of your podcast app to share it with a friend. You can also drop us a line for any questions that you have or thoughts and share those with us at Practicing connection@oneop.org.

We'll be back next week with a new episode on the Competence Distinction of Trust, and until then, keep practicing.

CREDITS: The Practicing Connection podcast is a production of OneOp and is supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U. S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Military Family Readiness Policy, U. S. Department of Defense, under award number 2023-48770-41333.