Say Yes to Yourself: Build Compassion Resilience with Healthy Boundaries

Struggling to balance caring for others with caring for yourself? In this episode of Practicing Connection, we explore how setting compassionate boundaries can help you maintain your well-being while supporting military families effectively.

In the second installment of our compassion resilience series, Jessica delves into the art of setting compassionate boundaries. 

Learn about different types of boundaries, understand their connection to empathy, and discover practical tips for establishing and maintaining healthy limits in your professional and personal life.

Practical links from this episode:

• Rogers Behavioral Health Compassion Resilience Toolkit: https://eliminatestigma.org/compassion-resilience-toolkit/

Transcript

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Hi, thanks for listening to the Practicing Connection Podcast. I'm Jessica, and today we're continuing our series on compassion resilience by diving into a crucial skill: setting compassionate boundaries. 

As a service provider, nonprofit, or community leader, you're often in the position of giving your all to support others, but without clear boundaries, this dedication can lead to burnout. 

Today we'll explore how setting compassionate boundaries can help you maintain your wellbeing while still providing excellent support to families and those we serve. 

Let's start by understanding what we mean by boundaries. Boundaries are basically the limits and rules that we set for ourselves in relationships, both personal relationships and professional relationships.

They help us protect our time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. The Compassion Resilience toolkit by Rogers in health outlines three main types of boundaries. The first is permeable boundaries. These are boundaries that are set but not well enforced. They're kind of like a fence with too many gaps. 

Then there are rigid boundaries. Rigid boundaries might protect us, but they can also leave us closed off to new ideas and new perspectives, and make us seem a little bit unapproachable. 

Then we have flexible boundaries. These are the sweet spot. They're clear and enforced, yet they leave us open to new perspectives and effectively protect us from harm.

Now, you might be wondering, because we've been talking about compassion, isn't setting boundaries a little bit at odds with being compassionate? Well actually, boundaries and empathy go hand in hand. Both are crucial in our work supporting others. By setting clear boundaries, we ensure we have the emotional energy to truly empathize with those we serve.

So how do we identify our boundaries? Well, an activity in the Compassion Resilience toolkit that I really love is a set of three questions. You can start by completing them, but I would recommend that you complete these three statements several times for each statement. Think of five or six or seven different ideas, or more if you'd like, to start to identify what your boundaries are.

So the three statements are: I have the right to ask for… The second one is, To protect my time and energy, it's okay to… And then the third one is, People may not…, and fill in that blank. What do you not want people to do? 

And going back to the other two questions, what do you need that you feel like you should have the right to ask for? And, what is it okay for you to do, in order to protect your time and energy. Is it that it's okay for you to end your day every day at 4:30 PM or 5:00 PM? Whatever that means to you. Set up several statements, and fill these statements out several times. “I have the right to ask for, to protect my time and energy, it's okay to,” and, “people may not…” 

Okay, so take a moment to think about how you'd fill in those blanks. These answers will give you insight into the boundaries that are important to you. 

So now let's talk about setting compassionate boundaries. It's not different than setting boundaries in general. To me, it's just a really great way to think about setting boundaries in ways that help you communicate to others.

Here are some tips. Know your yes. What are your yeses? So this is about understanding your values and priorities. What do you want to say yes to in your life? What behaviors do you want to exhibit? What are your priorities? If you don't know, then explore these questions and continue to come back to them and refine, change or modify them.

Another tip is to be proactive. Schedule time to reflect on and discuss your boundaries, both with yourself and with others. With others, you can schedule meetings to discuss boundaries, and this also offers them a chance to voice their boundaries. And then for yourself, you can schedule a meeting with yourself for reflection or journaling on your boundaries.

I recommend to revisit them and review them often. 

Another tip is to just go ahead and say it. Don't make people guess. Communicate clearly and directly about your needs. So when I teach about trust and how to communicate about it, I always like to remind people that when we don't voice what we need from others to build that trust, we are unintentionally playing games with them.

I mean, I normally love games, but in this case, I recommend not playing them. So communicate clearly, don't make people guess. 

Another tip is to address violations of your boundaries promptly, right? Point out boundary crossings as they happen. You can have some phrases ready for common situations. Maybe there are some boundaries that commonly get violated, so if you have some phrases in your back pocket that you can kind of take out and start using in the middle of these situations, you'll become more and more practiced at it.

Another tip is to frame your boundaries in ways that matter to others, and then offer some shared solutions. And then finally, back yourself up. Follow through with actions that support your stated boundaries. Otherwise, it invites people to continue to ignore your needs. 

Okay, now let's try a practice to help you set a compassionate boundary. This activity is called very simply, the “Boundary setting practice.” I wasn't feeling very creative in this I guess! The first step is to identify one area in your work or personal life where you feel your boundaries are unclear or often crossed. 

Then step two, write down a clear, compassionate boundary for this situation. Use one of the sentence starters we discussed. “I have the right to… to protect my time and energy.” “It's okay to,” or, “People may not…”, right. Fill in the blanks. 

Step three, plan how you'll communicate this boundary to the relevant people that you need to communicate it with. Remember to be clear, kind, and explain why it matters.

And then step four, commit to enforcing this boundary for one week. Notice how it affects your wellbeing and your ability to support others. 

I'd love to hear how this practice goes for you. Share your experience or any insights you gain on our LinkedIn community. 

That's it for this episode. Thanks so much for joining us. If you found this episode helpful, please leave us a review and share it with a colleague or friend. For more resources and tools, visit us at oneop.org. Until next time, keep practicing.

CREDITS: The Practicing Connection podcast is a production of OneOp and is supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U. S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Military Family Readiness Policy, U. S. Department of Defense, under award number 2023-48770-41333.