How to be Present for Others in their Grief

This episode was the second in a series of three practicasts from 2024 centered around "holding space," a concept we learned from Heather Plett, author of "The Art of Holding Space." 

Our co-creator for this series was our OneOp colleague, Kristen Jowers.

In this episode, Kristen shares two practices to help us prepare to hold space for someone experiencing grief.

Some of the practices we recommend on this show are more quick and simple, and some take a bit more time, intention, focus and determination.

"Holding Space" falls into the latter category. You can start working on it immediately, but it will take building the habit and muscle memory to really start seeing the impacts.

Which is why we decided to republish this episode from a year ago, to check in with you on how you are doing with this practice, and give us all a chance to revisit it.

We'll be back again next week with a brand new episode and fresh practice. Until then, keep practicing!

We’d love to hear what’s inspiring you! Share your thoughts using the “Send us a text message” feature or email us at practicingconnection@oneop.org.

Transcript

JESSICA BECKENDORF: [00:00:00] Hi everyone. This is Jessica. This episode was the second in a series of three Practic casts centered around “Holding Space,” a concept we learned from Heather Plett, author of The Art of Holding Space. Our co-creator for this series was our OneOp colleague, Kristen Jowers. In this episode, Kristen shares two practices to help us prepare and hold space for someone experiencing grief.

Some of the practices we recommend on this show are more quick and simple, and some take a bit more time, intention, focus, and determination. Holding space falls into the latter category. You can start working on it immediately, but it will take building the habit and muscle memory to really start seeing the impacts. Which is why we decided to republish this episode from a year ago, to check in with you on how you're doing with the practice and give us all a chance to [00:01:00] revisit it.

We'll be back again next week with a brand new episode and fresh practice. Until then, keep practicing. 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: All of us experience grief and loss. Having someone hold space for us during a difficult time can be just the balm we need. Being able to hold space for someone else is a skill we can all develop. Hi everyone, this is Jessica Beckendorf and welcome to this week's Practicing Connection PractiCast, where we highlight a specific practice you can use in your life and work. In this month's practicast, we've been talking about different ways to hold space for others. “Holding Space” refers to the act of being fully present with someone else without judgment or distraction so that the person can share their experiences and perspective.

We have a special guest today, Kristen Jowers. Kristen joined the OneOp team in 2023 as a program coordinator, with more than eight years working in higher [00:02:00] education. Kristen uses her background in psychology, child development and marriage and family therapy to enhance her work at the University of Kentucky.

Part of her personal development goals this year include getting out of her comfort zone and leaning into new experiences, like doing this PractiCast! Kristen enjoys reading, resting, and can be found taking pictures of her dog Copper, the Bassett hound, who is, I can confirm, incredibly adorable. Kristen will be guiding us through the practice in a few minutes, but first let's learn more about it.

Hi Kristen. 

KRISTEN JOWERS: Hey Jessica, thanks for having me on. I am a long time listener and first time contributor, so thanks for having me on to talk about holding space for grief. Before we jump in, I did want to provide a quick content note, as this episode discusses death, grief, and loss. We encourage listeners [00:03:00] to pause or take breaks as needed to take care of yourself.

A transcript and other resources are available on our website at oneop.org/podcast. 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: All right. Thank you so much for sharing that. Kristen, let's start with talking about what grief is. Can you share a little bit about that? 

KRISTEN JOWERS: Oftentimes, grief is thought of as the loss of a loved one. Today, I want to expand that and include grief in the context of major changes like separation and divorce, natural disasters, school or job changes and illness.

Grief is one of those human experiences that comes with living and loving. All of us have experienced or will experience grief at some point in our lives. And some of us may be living with grief right now. You may have heard of the Five Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. The stages are denial, [00:04:00] anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

They're often thought of as stages, but they don't define a linear process or timeline. The stages of grief are not consecutive, so you might feel some, all, or none of these emotions. There really isn't a timeline for grief, and you can intersect with someone at different points in their grieving process.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Wow. I actually didn't realize that, and maybe if I thought back to the times when I was experiencing grief, I may have realized this, but I didn't realize that you may feel all, some or none of those emotions. So I found that to be really, really interesting. And so given that that's the case, how can we hold space for people who are experiencing grief?

KRISTEN JOWERS: Yes, Jessica. There's a lot of different complexities that surround grief and loss, and so the response is [00:05:00] nuanced. Heather Platt describes in her book The Art of Holding Space, a collapsible container, or silicone bowl, kind of like one of those bowls that you'll take camping or that I take to the dog park with copper.

The bowl can be shallow, medium, or deep to fit the size space and need. So for example, we hold shallow space when someone shares about how tired they are from having a new baby. We hold medium space for when someone shares about how their community has been affected by a natural disaster, and we hold deep space when someone has lost a loved one.

Being the bowl is how you serve when you hold space for others. The container provides protection, support, and safety. We help them to see that they're not alone. In Plett’s words, “We give them space for the waiting that they must do before their new story emerges.” 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Oh yeah. Because [00:06:00] with a lot of grief and loss comes change, right?

So what keeps us from holding space for grief? 

KRISTEN JOWERS: I think there are a lot of reasons. This is hard, Jessica. There's sort of this delicate balance we all manage as we provide care for each other, while taking care of ourselves. Heather Plett talks about emotional labor taking more energy than physical labor sometimes, and she talks about telling people when we're at capacity as a way to communicate when our bowl is full.

Another consideration is our own experiences of grief, and how that might impact how much space we have in our bowl. And even when there is space, our own fears and discomfort can get in the way. I think sometimes we're worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, or feeling like when everything is going wrong for someone else, it's uncomfortable for us. And [00:07:00] our instinct is to wanna fix it for them. 

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Yeah, it's definitely, I mean, especially someone we love too, right? We wanna fix, we wanna make them feel better.

- break -

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Well, let's get started. I know you brought a practice or two with you today. Please walk us through them. 

KRISTEN JOWERS: I'm gonna talk about two practices today. The first is, “Keep your ego out of it.” With grief, there can sometimes be this feeling that other people don't understand what you're going through, and I think it's really natural to say, “I've been there, I know what you're going through.”

And even if you have been there, no two people experience things exactly the same way. So you don't wanna claim to know what the other person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs. Lean into [00:08:00] your curiosity about their experience. Ask if they'd like to talk about it. Sometimes what you say is less important than just being with the person.

In the art of holding space. Heather Plett says that, “One of the hardest things about holding space is that it can feel like you're doing nothing.” It's going to sound crazy to say this, but there is an art to doing nothing, when there is nothing to be done. Sometimes just being is enough. Don't be afraid of spending time together in silence.

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Hmm. That can be tough for a lot of people. 

KRISTEN JOWERS: Yes. And for the next practice, I want to introduce the acronym SPACE, created by Gina Ballard, and inspired by the work of Harrison Owen, author of Open Space Technology and the Power of Spirit. SPACE is [00:09:00] something you can remind yourself of as you're being the container, and holding space for someone's grief.

Space stands for Safety Presence Acceptance Challenge Emptiness. S - Safety. Enhance safety through curiosity and non-judgment. Non-judgment of yourself and the one you're holding space for. P - Presence. Use breathwork to become increasingly aware of the present moment. A - Acceptance. Acceptance looks like being with the person. Sit with what is. 

C - Challenge. Remember, you're not there to fix the problem. The challenge, or [00:10:00] opportunity rather, is to be with the person.

E - Emptiness. Allow emptiness and silence without filling the space. Grief can evoke a lot of emotions: anger, sadness, powerlessness, hopelessness, feeling that life is happening to us. As space holders, we're saying, “We're here. We're here to listen, to support, to liberate, to empower. We're here, and you're safe with us.”

JESSICA BECKENDORF: Wow. That was beautiful. I feel like we should just end the episode on, “We are here and you're safe with us.” So thank you so, so much, Kristen. I absolutely loved hearing your practices and your perspective today. Thanks for having me on Jessica. [00:11:00] 

That is it for this episode. Thanks so much for joining us. We hope you'll give this practice a try and share your experience in the Practicing Connection LinkedIn group, where people supporting military families practice the skills that empower us to work together so that we can positively impact our communities and help families thrive. 

And certainly the SPACE practice and keeping our egos out of it are both something that will empower us to work together.

You'll find the link to the group on our website at one op.org/practicing connection. We'll be back next week with a practice for holding space for new opportunities. Until then, keep practicing.

CREDITS: The Practicing Connection podcast is a production of OneOp and is supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U. S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Military Family Readiness Policy, U. S. Department of Defense, under award number 2023-48770-41333.